It’s a few days until Christmas, and I admit to feeling a bit lonely. This is the first time I’ve been on my own for the holiday, not traveling anywhere or anything. Of course, J and some friends are in town, but it’s the thing where I wake up alone in my apartment that feels a bit off.
Which, mind you, is just a trade off for the tension I would feel if I were with family. As I’ve written about a bunch, they’re the last group of people I haven’t told about being non-binary and expressing femme. They offered to fly me to the east coast for the holidays, but I declined. Because it would mean trying to hide myself while I’m with a group that, as much as is my own doing as anyone’s, I just don’t fit.
They don’t really know my interests, what I like to read or watch or play. They don’t know much what I think or feel or believe. From being poly for so long to my identity, there’s a lot I have opted not to tell them over the years. And that has most definitely built a wall between us.
So my choice is to maintain this distance and have peace or kick that door down and deal with the consequences. Honestly, I don’t know which one I prefer. I do know that it would be incredibly stressful to actually have that conversation in person, so that’s a strong deterrent.
That means I’ll be spending the holidays here around town. One of my colleagues is having people over Christmas Eve. That should be some fun, and I can more or less be myself amongst them. Another friend has invited me for Christmas dinner, which should be massively entertaining as her ex, his mother, and her new boyfriend will all be there. And then I’ll get to spend at least some of the evening with J.
In other words, I can be a bit queer for the holidays and the people around me won’t bat an eye. Over the wall? That’s another matter. But it’s a shame that the wall is there. That I let it be there.