I’m more than a bit upset this evening. I had a bad classroom observation today—I wasn’t on my A game and the students were really all over the place, even more than usual. My tenure committee member rather tore me apart this afternoon for a couple of hours over it.

It hurts me because, as much as I pride myself on being a good person, I pride myself on being a good teacher, too. For giving my students a complete education, both the stuff on the syllabus and the bits of life that you otherwise only learn in the margins. My students like me, and I do everything I can to relate to them. This class, though, has been the most distracted class I’ve taught, something that’s a holdover from when I had most of the same students from last term.

It doesn’t help that this is also my least-favourite course to teach. I’m already redeveloping the thing for the third time in two years—that’s how dissatisfied I am.

The logical part of me is saying that I can’t undo how today went, but I can make future classes better based on the feedback—the bits I could feel without the stinging. But the emotional part of me is distraught, like I should resign because I’m a fuckup or something.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My sleeve is rather soggy tonight.