I’m deliberately taking it slow when it comes to any possible transition for myself. I’m still giving myself a year to do research and read and otherwise think about what I want and who I am. Interestingly, in many places, you’re supposed to live as the gender you would like to be for three months before initial hormone steps are taken; this is becoming less prevalent as it comes across as an undue burden, but for me, I’m sitting here thinking “only three months?”

This blog kind of documents all of that. That I could take this, do as many more months as they want, and get the therapist portion out of the way and be ready to ask a doctor for a prescription.

One thing that is clear to me so far is how much I hate my secondary sex characteristics, like body and facial hair. Loathe. They are not me, and being able to take them as a layer and consider them as not how I see myself is quite freeing. Because that’s exactly it. I find both repulsive, not fitting with how I see myself.

As for going beyond hormone blockers and onto estrogen, I just don’t know. I would like to: that’s where I am right now. J and I talked a bit about this yesterday, and the fear is less in acceptance for me (other than at work, being tenure-track and all). No, it really is more along the lines of a male hitting on me and then becoming violent when figuring things out. That’s kind of scary, especially as I would lose a notable amount of my muscle mass in the process. I’d lose height, too. I can be a bit imposing now if I want to be, and that would be greatly diminished.

But my gender expression and identity should not be contingent on my ability to protect myself.

That’s where I am right now. I guess I just don’t know about the later steps. Estrogen I’m leaning towards. Surgery is something I don’t need to think about for some time, as, again, K and I would like to start a family sometime after she gets back into the country.

I feel a bit better that I’m just not so sure, either. That maybe I’m thinking about this the way I need to be.