I’m kind of fighting with myself right now. I’m reading a lot online with news related to trans people, and a lot of it gets my head spinning. It’s this blasted barrier that exists between all of us: I can only express what I know and what I feel and what I experience through media via the languages I have available to me. I can’t plug someone else into my mind and show them what I’m feeling. I can’t compare it, I can’t know exactly what this is I’m feeling. I can’t know if this is what it feels like to be trans.
Or maybe what it feels like to be trans is rather up to me, my mind, my judgment.
I’ve mentioned before that sometimes mornings are a bit of a challenge for me. That’s when it takes me so long to get out of my own head, to figure out what I’m feeling. It’s when reality is the furthest away for me, and when my emotions are the hardest to sort out. It’s when I feel the most like a failure, a fraud.
I think it’s in the evening when I feel more like myself. That’s when I can step out onto my balcony, clad in whatever femme-wear I feel like, and just be myself for a few minutes. Tonight I’m in a shirt that’s just barely long enough in the front and back and is nicely slitted up the sides, a pair of grey tights and my purple-and-blue heels on the bottoms. I go out on my balcony because that’s also where I’m safe. I can be what feels like and me and I can watch.
What do I see? I see all of my neighbours coming and going. Most of them are men, and I very much feel like I’m a different species from them. In fact, I feel a lot better about myself since I started going femme, like I’m more me, take more pride in myself. I also am reinforced with who I am. This is exactly unlike the mornings, where I’m full of doubt. This is me as the female I’m supposed to be.
The biggest scare for me, aside from dealing with other people, is my sex organs. I’m fine with getting my dangly bits out of the way at some point, though I do note that they bring pleasure to others. I am concerned about what sexual pleasure I’ll be able to fear and if I can be in that brain space for others as well.
K and J have been brilliantly supportive. They’ve supported me tonight, too, which is amazing.
The question for me will be, once again, how I feel in the morning. And how much simpler it would be if I could put the tights and heels on and go to work. I’d feel more like me.
Probably getting stared at a whole bunch, but more like me.