I’m kind of stuck today.
One colleague has already asked if I’m sure this is what I am. I read the comments sections of a number of news stories. And I fear I’ve upset K a bit looking at the long-term implications of what this could mean for us.
I feel guilty. I feel less confident. And those news story comments make me want to snuggle a bit further back in the closet. But what I don’t feel is that this is not who I am. Oddly, that part I really don’t question. It’s more a matter of what I should do transition-wise and whom I might hurt along the way.
I don’t question that I want to change my body. I don’t question that I don’t want hair to grow on my face or on as much of my body. I don’t question that I want more of a feminine figure. I don’t question at all that I want to pass as female.
What I do question is hurting other people around me. I question the stress and anxiety that goes into talking with people about these things. I question what this could mean for my future, especially my future with K.
I don’t like this. It’s an uncomfortable day in the middle of a stressful week. I don’t know what to do about it.